pity party

Depressing coming from a 3 year old…

As I was finishing up pumping Lilly comes over and says “Your boobs are getting smaller, just like ME!”

Well crap. While this was inevitable I’ll admit I was enjoying my newfound cleavage. (I have never really exactly had it before.) Sigh. The pumping cessation is going okay. I am down to twice a day for 20 minutes each time. I’m trying to get as close to done before I am done with the antibiotics for the mastitis. I feel bipolar most days when I think about my stopping. I bounce back and forth between “Oh I just cant wait to be able to sleep on my stomach again and wear NORMAL bras” to just generally stressing out and feeling like a failure. I wanted so badly for Edison to take to breastfeeding.

I honestly don’t know why it’s such a huge deal to me. Maybe it stems from the NICU thing and initially not being able to get that really close bonding. But then, I think I was there as often as I could be and I did the kangaroo care and I DID breastfeed him as soon a I possibly could and he did well until I got mastitis the first time. It is so frustrating to feel so down about it when he has gotten it this long and will with all the freezer stash, another bonus to being done pumping. I can get my freezer space back finally!

I suppose I am just feeling restless in general since we don’t go anywhere. I feel like a lump most days because of this. My house is a mess and I just get anxious thinking about cleaning it because everything that needs to be “cleaned” requires me to move something else first but I have no where for that first thing to go. For the record I can clean in the sense of vacuuming, bathroom (yuck), kitchen, laundry, bed, etc.… I just cant move all the CRAP that seems to consume our house. I desperately want a designated playroom and a designated storage room. IF only we had the money for a new house.. but we have only been in this one for 4 years and I do like it, we just didn’t realize it would run out of space so soon.

Sorry for the pity party. I’ve just felt so deflated lately after pumping (hehe, pun) and I’m sure it is more involved I just need to get some things organized, get OUT, and just DO some stuff. Losing weight would be a plus too. I seriously need to think of how to accomplish about a 50 pound weight loss. grumble…