Sad

Really don't know where to start. Last time I posted this weekend had some promise. We were going to visit grandma Friday afternoon. Then Saturday we had a friends one year birthday party to attend. I was going to see if mom could take the kids Saturday night so we could have at least the illusion of an anniversary celebration since we cant afford to DO much. Then Sunday was going to be the start of a whole week I get my husband. I know I had mentioned previously that my grandma wasn't doing that great but really wasn't expecting the phone call from my mom at 2:40am Friday confirming just how poorly her health had become. Obviously, my mom doesn't usually call in the middle of the night so I knew right away, but it was when mom didn't actually say anything when I answered that I knew. My voice quivered a pitiful "mom?" and she started to tell me that my grandma had passed away in her sleep about 40 minutes earlier. Since then we have all been a little off. It is understandable I suppose. There is also just too much to say to even try. My grandmother was the kind of woman that when you saw her you couldn't help but think she was the cutest, sweetest 'old lady' you ever saw. Once you got to talk to her you quickly found out that while she was still sweet she was also that of great intelligence and quick witticism. Oh man was my grandma ever witty. There were more times she would make just the briefest and quietest of remarks but if you were lucky enough to catch it you laughed until there were tears in your eyes. She was also reassuring in a way that she didn't intend. One time when we were up at the lake I was talking with my grandma and grandpa at the table and mentioned finances and work and what I am/ should be doing. I have felt such validation as I did that day. It is nice to hear other people say "oh yeah, you are doing the best thing for your kids being a stay at home mom but when they are in school are you going to get a real job?" or I even get the "well if money is tight why don you get a job?" On this day that we were talking my grandma did not hesitate and said "you are doing exactly what you are supposed to be doing". Part of this is because she was a very traditional woman. But the way she said it didn't come across to imply that being home is 'woman's work' and that is the reason. She genuinely believed that I am a mom and I am a wife and that is my job, it is what I am supposed to be doing, money be damned. Three weeks ago when we were visiting and I was sitting with her watching Edison play I told her that, while I didn't think she would not have any others, I was so happy that I could give her great grandchildren and that my kids got to know her. That, by the way, was the hardest part of all of this. Lilly has such vast understandings of things for only being 4. She knew right away what it meant when I said that grandma died and she cried instantly.

Olive Hazel Jones 10/7/1919-5/25/12

Tonight there is a private family visitation at 6. Tomorrow the general visitation is from 4-8 and then Tuesday the funeral is at 11. Luckily I had the thought to ask my aunt and uncle (who live in the same town as grandma and grandpa) about a babysitter during the funeral service. Lilly will sit through it fine, but Edison wont sit for 5 minutes. I am so happy they had some volunteers so I wont have to miss any of the service.

I kind of feel like I need a do-over for the weekend. Or at least a make up day for our anniversary. It is terribly selfish to think about and it's not like we ever really do anything anyway but still everyone says we should do something. It's nice we have the whole week to do whatever we want though so that is at least something.

Oh, on the weight front. There is one bonus to everything, even if it is hollow victory. This week I was really good about eating and exercise and then since Friday I have been too down to have any form of appetite and I have still tried to get to the gym so this morning I weighed in 3.1 pounds down. The scale was officially in the 170s, even if only barely. 179.9 to be exact. I am sure the last time I saw anything starting with 17 was in 2005. 7 years later and I am only about 10 pounds away from where I was when I got married. I am also only 10 pounds away from being considered overweight and not obese according to the BMI charts. It's not that I lost motivation persay, but I definitely gain it when I lose more weight or hit certain milestones.

As for the 60 days of awesome challenge... I haven't felt very awesome at all to keep track. I have obviously done awesome things since I have still been eating well and exercising. so I'll just give myself 6000 awesome points for losing 3 pounds this week and maybe it will balance out. (But I am TOTALLY taking away from the universe 756983657303856763622027565.7 awesome points for taking my grandma)