The struggles...

Well I'm back. Sorry for the hiatus (to the 5 people that read this). I have decided to take this blog into a new direction. Keep in mind it will divulge some very personal information that I have just come to terms with making public. I am doing this in hopes of being found out there in the blogosphere by someone who shares a similar situation. I could really use just one person who knows what I am going through.

Without further ado here is what has been going on in my life and why I have not been myself.

When I was 16 I did not get my period for 6 months or so. I decided this was probably a big deal and went to the doctor. They said it wasn't a problem right now, but when I wanted to have kids I might have a hard time. So either they decided it wasn't a worry for a 16 year old or they have just come that much farther with research and whatnot. They put me on birth control so I would get the period and left it at that. I stopped that because it really messed with my system and thought, "what girl complains about not getting her period anyway!!"

When I turned 18 I went back on the pill and took that until November of 2005. This is when I had been happily married for 6 months already and decided why not let what happens happen. Well, nothing happened. No big deal again, right? We'd only been married 6 months and I got to take another vacation from my period.

A few months later I decided this probably wasn't the best approach and went to my doctor in Ames. She diagnosed me with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome or PCOS . Again, they didn't make a big deal of it but she wanted me to go in for a Provera injection every 3 months to stimulate a period, otherwise cysts would build up and cause problems.

Skip ahead about another year (March 2007). This is when the husband and I decided ... i.e. I panicked... to have kids. I panicked because I decided I didn't want to wait until I was 30 to find out if I couldn't have kids. I saw the infertility doctor and she prescribed me 50mg of clomiphene citrate or Clomid. This is a drug that induces ovulation in women who are otherwise anovulatory (me!)

Lo and Behold I got pregnant right away. The FIRST month on it. We were ecstatic and our daughter Lilly couldn't be more perfect (okay.. she is two.. but still for a two year old she is still pretty perfect!)

This brings me to the present. Or at least October 2009. We decided to go ahead and try again for a baby because Lilly would be 2 soon and I didn't want our kids to be more than 3 years apart. My doctor was a little concerned as I am a little heavier than when I got pregnant with Lilly. She still got me started on 50mg of clomid and thought we were golden. I was wrong. That didn't work. So for month 2 I was upped to 100mg of clomid. Another month passed, another negative pregnancy test. This is where I started to get a little depressed.

Month 3: prescribed 150mg clomid (the max dose my doctor will do). I had to go in on day 3 of my cycle for a vaginal probe ultrasound. Yeah, that was just as fun as it sounds... This was done to do a baseline measurement of my ovaries and any cysts that were on them. Things looked good so I started taking the clomid. Then on day 13 of the cycle I went back in for another ultrasound to measure follicle size and development. Pretty much they were looking for any that were a minimum of 16mm in size. I had an 11, 15, and 18. All not bad. They had me wait a few days, take ovulation predictor strips and call back if I got my LH surge. I did not. So I went and got an HCG injection to guarantee ovulation. I was feeling pretty good about things. I mean, the injection guarantees ovulation and I had some good sized follicles at the time of ovulation. But once again I got that negative test and a day later the dreaded period.

Month 4: a lot of the same as month 3. Same ultrasounds, same meds. This time however my follicles were very small. The biggest was 10mm. They wanted to see if it would grow at all and had me go back in just this last Tuesday. Still 10mm. sigh. The only addition to this cycle is that my doctor put me on a drug called glucophage or Metformin. It is a diabetes medication but they have found a lot of success giving it to women with PCOS. It is hopefully going to help me lose weight and regulate my insulin, which I make but don't put in the right areas or something.

I am happy to be taking the metformin but am finding all the horror stories are true.. it is an awful drug! It seriously makes you reconsider your diet otherwise you will be hurting!

I know this was ridiculously long and I thank those who decided to hand in there with me for the whole thing. I can't even begin to describe the agony I have had to battle over the past few months. Unless you have been in a similar situation you really just cant sympathize. I was put on this earth to do one thing and I can't do it. I am very blessed to have Lilly but the only thing I was ever sure of in my life is that I wanted to be a mother to at least 2 children. To have this ripped away from me is heartbreaking. It's not like there is no hope, but I have to make a lot of changes to hopefully have a chance. The thing that scares me the most is the worry that I wont get that other chance. I have prayed so many times in the past few months that I cant help but feel completely abandoned when all I get is beaten down with more negative news.

Anyway, the new direction of this will be updates on my health and weight as I am enrolling in Farrell's Extreme Body shaping. I need something to kick my ass and I am pretty sure this will do the trick. We'll probably start trying again for that baby in July if all goes well. Just pray I keep my sanity until then.